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Irritation

"Hey, you know that machine you bought (instead of getting shirts printed, which would already be done) that was supposed to make this process so easy that one person could do it all by themselves? Turns out it's not so easy after all. I need you to get in the car and drive over here (even though you're hyped up on painkiller and not supposed to drive) so you can run after and mind the kids (even though you are supposed to rest and not do anything strenuous for 24 hours)."

Insomnia

I can't sleep. The universe is thrusting so many changes at me, all at once, and my brain wants to focus on everything at one time and won't shut up.

Professionally, we got the business set up and ready to go. Maya and Kcat have spent the last week and a half trying to get print-ready screens. They assure me that we will print shirts tomorrow - but I'm freaking out about having the money to go to MACE West to sell shirts at all. I was planning on using the money that I got from cleaning apartment #1 at my cleaning job to pay for the cost of going. So we would have had a cushion if we didn't make enough to cover the cost. But the tenant fucked up the floor so badly that I can't clean it until they fix it. I would ask the business I work for to advance me some cash, but I just asked for an advance last month so that I could fix the car's massive oil and transmission leaks. I'm sure we'll figure out some way to go - we really just need gas money and some change to start with - and pray to the Universe that we cover everything over the course of the weekend.

Speaking of the car, something flew out of someone's vehicle on the highway and slammed into my passenger-side light assembly today. There's no body damage, and the headlight still works, but the turn signal is out completely. I know from experience that this means I shall have to replace the entire fucking light assembly (for at least the third time since we bought the car).

Personally, I am having issues with my blood family. I just blocked all the Kellys on facebook; Nanny Diane has been trying to get in touch with me, but she's also been talking shit about me to Aunt Peanut for about a year now. Tracy Lynn got on facebook finally and is friends with all my old friends, you know, just in case I wanted to have relationships with them. She also told me that my childhood was perfectly normal and that I was delusional. I'd like to know why I am so fucked up then.

In the meantime, I feel like my chosen family is falling apart. There are all sorts of conflicts between members, and everyone talks shit about everyone else all the time. There are really two polarizing figures in the problems - one of them I will never give up for anything ever. I just really need some peace in my family life while I deal with all this other stuff, and I'm not getting it. I wish I had a camper; I would like to give up on the idea of family completely and run away forever.

Adam and I had our first real date - and three (great) kisses so far. There's something wrong with me, though - I'm thinking I might just be too neurotic and insecure to handle relationships at all. Because I'm sitting here on his couch worrying that he doesn't really like me. Never mind that tonight we had a little hand-holding, and earlier he cuddled me and kissed my head when I was feeling bad. But instead of focusing on that, I'm freaking out because he didn't kiss me! Not that I gave him the opportunity as I was getting ready for bed. And he knows he makes me stupid, so maybe he didn't kiss me because I am staying the night here and he's worried about things going too far (especially since his son is here on spring break, and I made it very clear that I didn't want him to know we were seeing each other until we decided that we were really serious about it - I don't want him worried about losing his Aunt Ri if it doesn't work out). Maybe he thought I didn't want to kiss him because I didn't really give him the opportunity. But just when I had decided to go kiss him, his mother gets up and wants to talk (the same things, over and over again, always) to me for 45 minutes about the guy she had a one-night (one-weekend?) stand with over Easter (and if I told her that the fact of her doing that disgusts me she would call me a horrible, judgmental person who made it rain on her parade). By the time she finally! went back to bed, Adam was asleep. And I'm still here sitting on the couch freaking out about it. I wonder if I am just so damaged that I should give up, shave my head, and retreat into the sangha, where all relationships are measured equally - without any special attachments - and everyone is on the path to enlightenment.

Now that all of that is out, I'm going to see if I can sleep at last.

Is this love?

I'm falling way too fast. Beyond fast.

Is this what happens when you find someone who is everything you've been looking for all this time? Who turns your non-negotiable list into a bunch of check marks?

Three years changes a person a lot, apparently. I liked him then, but now...my mind is totally blown.

Insanity.

I am insane. What am I doing?

When I started seeing Charles, I was gung-ho...I didn't care if I came out of it with a broken heart. I figured it was worth it. I'd been single for a year and a half. I even threw out half my non-negotiables list. If I had stuck with them, Charles and I would have split up within three months of getting together. Trust me, I won't do that again.

But now that's over - my heart was broken when we ended our engagement, but the end of the relationship really has not affected me much. I'm honestly relieved. And after the attendant insanity - his family sending me e-mails, his mother wanting to come to my house when he picked up his stuff - I'm grateful to the Universe for making it impossible for us to have gotten married during that time. I mean, those people could have been my in-laws. I could have spent the rest of my life supporting my husband and freaking out about money and how I was going to manage that and the kids. What a narrow escape, really.

I expected to mourn. I expected to feel things that I am just not feeling.

Instead, I find myself interested in someone already, clinging with fingertips and toes to the cliff above the falling-in-love abyss. What the hell? And then he calls me (right this second), and I grin like an idiot. I look at my list - check, check, check...only two things I don't know yet, and can't really know until we're more than friends. This is ridiculous. We are talking about the person who was completely oblivious to me years ago. And now he comes to me and says, "I really like you, but I know you just got out of a serious relationship, and I respect your need for time, but maybe neither one of us will have to be someone else's sob story ever again."

And I'm terrified. Terrified of opening myself up to intimacy again, terrified to be that honest with someone again, terrified to lay it all out on the table only to have my wants and needs ignored and brushed aside, as they have been for the last year. Terrified that I'll tell him what I want and need, and he won't be that person after all. I'm already emotionally invested, and didn't expect it yet. I don't want to feel this.

And he's such a good friend. I enjoy his friendship so much. I enjoy playing video games with him, watching wrestling with him, roleplaying with him, just hanging out with him. I enjoy those silent moments of shared humor, the laughter, the always-being-in-each-other's-way. I'm terrified to lose that if things go pear-shaped.

But then I wonder - since this last couple months of really getting to know him - will things even go pear-shaped? What if he's right? What if we won't ever have to be someone's sob story ever again? What if this is what was meant to be in the first place, and we both got off track learning lessons we needed to learn before we were ready for each other? What if this is what is SUPPOSED to happen?

lines in the sand

I find myself on this side of the line, terrified. There is a great chasm below. It's all I can do to hold on with fingertips and toes, to keep from falling. Because every time I fall, there is a rock-hard, bone-crushing, heart-bruising landing filled with an agony of tears.

I don't want to feel this. It's too soon, I'm not ready for it. But I feel it anyway, and try desperately to keep it concealed, to keep it hidden, to let no bit of it leak through into my thoughts and actions.

But it leaks into my dreams, filling them with mundane images of a life lived on this side of the line, replays of dreams that haunted me years ago. The dreams are stronger now, filled with more knowledge of their main characters, infused with these slow-building feelings that I refuse to acknowledge as of yet. They overwhelm my sleeping mind and I wake with words I will not, can not, say on my lips.

Every day makes it harder. Every smile, every hug, every shared moment of silent humor.

It's such a different feeling; it's not the headlong rush, the leap into the fire, the conflagration that changes everything in an instant. It's a fire built slowly, carefully, from a bit of tinder, fed twig by twig, until the hearth is warm and winter's chill is held at bay.

It scares me more than the other.

in my mind, this was a clever title

Yesterday:

I did laundry and a lot of thinking. Then I took Maya to Kcat and Adam's house. I went over to Karen's house and straightened her super-long hair with her special blow-dryer and her flatiron. That took WAY longer than I thought it would, but she was happy with it. She kept threatening to go fornicate with her hair, which made me laugh.

I have been tutoring her son in math for his GED test (as a side note, I don't understand how someone so smart could put off getting that piece of paper for so long!). His name is also Adam, just to make life confusing (I will now start referring to them as Mayzes and DiPierro in the journal just to keep them straight, although I will probably slip now and then). We didn't start until late, because yesterday was his first day at his new job, so we ended up working on algebra until 3 am. Now, algebra sucks to teach at the best of times, because the stuff that they teach you in the beginning appears to have no purpose until you get to the higher levels of algebra. This was not the best of times - it was late and we were both tired.

Self-reflection and decision-making seems to be going well. I've got some things hammered out mentally; others are going to take a while.

I think I missed a day...

Here I am again, in the place of changes and decisions. Where am I going? What shall I do? Who will I be? Welcome to fall; this is what happens after Samhaine.

I have been so busy in the past two weeks that I haven't really done any sort of introspection. But, I had a bit of a shock yesterday that now requires me to do some introspection.

A few months ago, I made a self-care checklist. Then things got busy and I stopped printing it off, doing things for myself, and checking them off my list. I think maybe that is step #1. I miss yoga. I miss who I was two year ago. What happened to that skinnier, vibrant, more enlightened person? Where did she go? Can I get her back?

it's been a while...

So, I absolutely did not post an entry every day for a year. Let's try and start that now.

Life update: I am no longer engaged and now single. This will hold true for the next six months, at least. We'll see where I'm at then, and move forward from there.

I started two businesses (because I am a crazy woman). The cleaning business is going well. It is not really what I want to do with the rest of my life, but it is (sort of) paying the bills at the moment. The T-shirt business is still plugging along - we made a lot of money, and then no money. There is some restructuring to do, and changes to be made - but I am willing to stick with it through all of that because it IS what I want to do with the rest of my life.

I am also a part-time nanny and housekeeper at the moment. The children I sit with are four and two, and I have been their Aunt Ri for a long time. I enjoy spending time with them, and helping to shape the people that they will become.

Absolutely not.

Quick Update

Back in school, will graduate in December. Went to Wrestlemania this year (scratch that off my bucket list). Got a new, work-from-home-in-my-PJs job that pays $13.50 an hour, and in 6 months could pay $17.50. Charles and I got engaged (!!!), so freaking excited, even though planning a handfasting and then a wedding is going to be expensive and a lot of work.

I'm going to try to post something every day (one of the things on my bucket list is to write daily journal entries for a year).

I need to figure out this sleep schedule thing, and now go to bed, because I have to take my grandmother to the doctor in three hours.