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Insomnia

I can't sleep. The universe is thrusting so many changes at me, all at once, and my brain wants to focus on everything at one time and won't shut up.

Professionally, we got the business set up and ready to go. Maya and Kcat have spent the last week and a half trying to get print-ready screens. They assure me that we will print shirts tomorrow - but I'm freaking out about having the money to go to MACE West to sell shirts at all. I was planning on using the money that I got from cleaning apartment #1 at my cleaning job to pay for the cost of going. So we would have had a cushion if we didn't make enough to cover the cost. But the tenant fucked up the floor so badly that I can't clean it until they fix it. I would ask the business I work for to advance me some cash, but I just asked for an advance last month so that I could fix the car's massive oil and transmission leaks. I'm sure we'll figure out some way to go - we really just need gas money and some change to start with - and pray to the Universe that we cover everything over the course of the weekend.

Speaking of the car, something flew out of someone's vehicle on the highway and slammed into my passenger-side light assembly today. There's no body damage, and the headlight still works, but the turn signal is out completely. I know from experience that this means I shall have to replace the entire fucking light assembly (for at least the third time since we bought the car).

Personally, I am having issues with my blood family. I just blocked all the Kellys on facebook; Nanny Diane has been trying to get in touch with me, but she's also been talking shit about me to Aunt Peanut for about a year now. Tracy Lynn got on facebook finally and is friends with all my old friends, you know, just in case I wanted to have relationships with them. She also told me that my childhood was perfectly normal and that I was delusional. I'd like to know why I am so fucked up then.

In the meantime, I feel like my chosen family is falling apart. There are all sorts of conflicts between members, and everyone talks shit about everyone else all the time. There are really two polarizing figures in the problems - one of them I will never give up for anything ever. I just really need some peace in my family life while I deal with all this other stuff, and I'm not getting it. I wish I had a camper; I would like to give up on the idea of family completely and run away forever.

Adam and I had our first real date - and three (great) kisses so far. There's something wrong with me, though - I'm thinking I might just be too neurotic and insecure to handle relationships at all. Because I'm sitting here on his couch worrying that he doesn't really like me. Never mind that tonight we had a little hand-holding, and earlier he cuddled me and kissed my head when I was feeling bad. But instead of focusing on that, I'm freaking out because he didn't kiss me! Not that I gave him the opportunity as I was getting ready for bed. And he knows he makes me stupid, so maybe he didn't kiss me because I am staying the night here and he's worried about things going too far (especially since his son is here on spring break, and I made it very clear that I didn't want him to know we were seeing each other until we decided that we were really serious about it - I don't want him worried about losing his Aunt Ri if it doesn't work out). Maybe he thought I didn't want to kiss him because I didn't really give him the opportunity. But just when I had decided to go kiss him, his mother gets up and wants to talk (the same things, over and over again, always) to me for 45 minutes about the guy she had a one-night (one-weekend?) stand with over Easter (and if I told her that the fact of her doing that disgusts me she would call me a horrible, judgmental person who made it rain on her parade). By the time she finally! went back to bed, Adam was asleep. And I'm still here sitting on the couch freaking out about it. I wonder if I am just so damaged that I should give up, shave my head, and retreat into the sangha, where all relationships are measured equally - without any special attachments - and everyone is on the path to enlightenment.

Now that all of that is out, I'm going to see if I can sleep at last.